Fic: Nathan, chapter 11/14

Hey everyone. Sorry it's been so long between updates.I said last time that there would probably be 12 chapters, but it looks like there are going to be 14 instead.I just want to say thank you so much to those people who I met at ORC and said such lovely things about this fic. It was the first time anyone has ever talked to me about my writing in person, and it was a lovely experience (even though I was blushing most of the time!). The general consensus seemed to be "hurry up and get them together!" --those people might like this chapter :)Title: Nathan, 11/14.Pairing: Sean/ElijahSummary: Elijah needs Sean’s help.Prologue || One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || Nine || TenChapter ElevenFor the second time in a week, Elijah wakes to find Sean sleeping beside him in his bed. Except this time there is no baby snuggled between them.He blinks in the faint grey light, memory of the previous night returning in snatches. Sleepless, he had given himself over to tears in the dead quiet of his apartment. He should never have asked it. He should never have demanded to know Sean’s feelings. He should have known the answer already. Yet he had asked, and the response had shattered something inside of him.Then his night-time grief had been interrupted by the one person he did not want to see him cry.‘What’s wrong, Elijah?’, Sean had asked. What isn’t wrong? Elijah wanted to sigh. All of it was so, so wrong and he could not bear Sean’s comfort then. Could. Not. Bear it. He knew he must have been giving himself away, but he would have begged Sean to just leave him alone.Until he said it.‘Let me touch you.’Elijah turns onto his back, clenching his teeth around a moan as a spear of heat zips through his groin. Holy fuck.Sean lying beside him, stroking his back as he calmed into sleep. That went above and beyond the call of a friend.Elijah stares, open-mouthed at the ceiling. Surely Sean had figured out what had upset him? He must have known. And yet he didn’t run. He did not turn away in disgust. He stayed, he touched him and fell asleep by his side.Holy fucking fuck.Elijah glances over at Sean, still sleeping peacefully. What would he say if he woke to find Elijah straddled across him, reverently ravishing his mouth?A sound from across the room interrupts his thoughts. He looks up. Nathan is awake, grizzling sleepily and kicking his blankets.Elijah quickly hoists himself over the body beside him and out of bed, hurrying to the crib before the baby can wake Sean. Nathan grins and waves his arms when he spots Elijah, who can’t help but smile in return. He gathers him into his arms and carries him out of the bedroom, closing the door silently behind them.After changing Nathan’s diaper, Elijah heats a bottle and sits on the couch to feed him. The apartment is silent, save for Nathan’s greedy snuffling at his milk. Elijah’s eyes drift along the short hall to his bedroom door.What now? he wonders. Will Sean pretend that nothing happened when he wakes? Will he expect Elijah to pretend the same? Or was it really… nothing?Part of Elijah cannot wait for Sean to emerge so he can find out. Another part of him is screaming in fear.Nathan finishes his bottle and Elijah puts him to his chest, patting his back to burp him. He is glad of he baby’s warm presence, the routine of his needs keeping him from smoking himself hoarse or biting his nails until they bleed.“What am I gonna do, Natey?” he murmurs into the top of his head.The baby burbles, drooling into his shoulder. Elijah pulls him back to make a face at him. Nathan grins, blowing spit bubbles.After hearing him laugh for the first time last night, Elijah can’t help but wonder how many firsts he has missed. His first smile. When he first opened his eyes. His first breath of air.Then he thinks of all the other firsts he will miss as Nathan grows and he swallows hard over a needled lump of regret.Standing, he settles Nathan into his carrier and gives him his tiger toy to play with. The baby gnaws on the furry nose as Elijah straightens and glances furtively down the hall for any sign of Sean. There is none, so he turns and enters the kitchen, deciding to make an attempt at breakfast.After perusing the mostly-bare fridge and peering into an empty box of cheerios, he settles on pancakes.It takes a good five minutes to find the flour hidden at the back of the pantry and another ten to put the ingredients together and blend them into a batter. By the time he has the pan hot and is about to pour out the first pancake he can hear Sean moving in the bedroom, and he looks up in time to see him pad across the hall into the bathroom.The shower starts up and Elijah’s pulse thumps double-time.He makes six good-sized pancakes and splits them between two plates. Peering into the fridge again he groans as he realises he is out of butter. In the pantry he finds a jar of maple syrup with a only crusty layer of amber liquid congealed in the bottom and he groans again. Perfect.He can’t give Sean pancakes with no topping. He tries the fridge once more and discovers a punnet of strawberries wedged behind the cheese. Some of them are soft in places but he manages to slice up enough to layer over the two stacks of pancakes.He sets the plates on the table with the congealed syrup and a carton of vanilla icecream. Then he looks over the scene again and his heart stops.Two plates. Pancakes. Icecream. And strawberries. The whole thing is disgustingly romantic.Oh god. Oh shit. He can’t let Sean see this! God, what he would think…Just as Elijah is about to sweep the whole lot into the garbage, the bathroom door opens and Sean steps out.Frozen, Elijah grips the counter as Sean enters the kitchen, wearing a loose pair of jeans and holding his shirt in one hand as he towels the moisture from his hair.Elijah swallows and looks away.“Something smells good,” Sean comments. Then his gaze rests upon the table and his eyebrows lift. “Something looks good, too.”Trying not to surreptitiously glance at Sean’s bare chest, Elijah thinks that he can return the compliment. He stares at the table, burning with apprehensive humiliation. He may as well have arranged the strawberry slices into heart shapes, for all the blatant messages that could be construed from the meal.Sean pulls on his shirt and crosses to the counter cupboard, opening it to take down two mugs.“Want a coffee?”“Um. Yeah. Thanks.”“You sit down and eat. I’ll get it.”The self-timed percolator is already full of hot, black coffee and Sean pours them a cup each as Elijah heavily assumes his seat at the table. Sean places a mug before him and sits down behind his own plate of pancakes.“There’s syrup, but it’s probably no good,” Elijah explains quickly, pointing to the crusty jar.Sean chuckles. “That looks ancient. How long have you had that?”“Um. I think it came with me from mom’s place. Dunno how long it’d been in her cupboard.”“Toss it out,” Sean advises. “This is perfect as is.” He picks up the icecream and begins digging out a scoop, apparently at his ease.“The groceries don’t come until Monday,” Elijah blathers as he tries to apply himself to his own pancakes. “Unless I go shopping there isn’t much to eat for the rest of the weekend.” He usually does his grocery shopping online and has it delivered to his apartment.For a moment the only sound is the clink of Sean’s fork as he cuts a slice of pancake and strawberry, then: “How about I take you out to dinner?”Elijah looks up abruptly. Sean pops his forkful into his mouth and smiles slightly at him over their plates. Out to dinner? Like… a date? Or as friends who are out of food?It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve gone to a restaurant together. But after last night…Swimming to the front of Elijah’s mind comes the memory of Sean’s words the previous afternoon: ‘No. That isn’t what I want.’He mustn’t read into this. “We could just order Chinese,” he offers.“Oh. Okay.” Sean looks at his plate and Elijah notices that his cheeks are somewhat pink. And how long have his hands been shaking?“Unless you had someplace in mind,” He says quickly. Oh, he mustn’t read into it. It would be optimistic to the point of insanity if he were to read into it. This can’t be a date. It can’t… Oh shit. Is it a date? Is it a date? Oh god, is it?Sean shrugs. “Nowhere in particular.” He pokes a strawberry with his fork.“Sean,” Caution thrown recklessly to the wind, Elijah takes a plunge. “If you want to go out…” he waits until Sean looks up at him before continuing softly, “I’d like that.”Sean stares at him. Doubt gnaws ferociously at Elijah’s insides as he shifts in his seat, wishing he had kept his mouth shut.Finally, Sean nods. “Okay.”Realising that he must look surprised, Elijah rearranges his face into a smile. “Okay,” he manages to breathe.“Elijah,” Sean leans forward across the table. “Last night, did you hear--”They both jump as a sudden shriek comes from the living room.Elijah hesitates, torn between hearing the end of Sean’s sentence and hurrying to Nathan’s aid. Sean makes the decision for him, pushing back his chair to answer the baby’s call. Elijah follows.Nathan is lying in his carrier with his arms in the air, wailing franticly. The little stuffed tiger is on the floor one foot away from him.Elijah picks up the toy as Sean gathers the baby into his arms. Nathan doesn’t cease crying even when Elijah tries to give the tiger back to him.Sean pats his backside. “He’s wet.”“Again? Okay, I’ll change him. You finish your breakfast.” Elijah puts out his hands for the baby.“You sure?”“Yeah.”Sean passes Nathan to him and Elijah kisses the baby’s forehead, cuddling him close as he goes to the diaper bag in the corner of the room. He glances up to see Sean watching him with a slight smile before he turns and re-enters the kitchen.Elijah feels his cheeks heat, wondering.Nathan is much happier once he has a fresh diaper wrapped about him. Elijah takes him to the table and sits him on his knee as he finishes his pancakes.Sean has already finished and is loading the dirty plates and frying pan into the dishwasher. Elijah follows his movements out the corner of his eye as Nathan tries to stuff his fingers into his mouth.“So what were you going to ask me before?”Sean looks at him over his shoulder. “When?”“When Nathan started to cry, you were about to ask me something.”Sean shrugs, replacing the cutlery basket in the dishwasher. “I can’t remember.”“You were going to ask if I heard something last night. Heard what?”Sean only shrugs again. “I don’t know. It couldn’t have been very important.”Elijah scrutinizes him, unsure if he believes.Sean takes his now empty plate. Noticing his frown, he smiles. “I’ll think about it. I’ll probably remember eventually.”“Okay,” Elijah concedes with a sigh. Standing, he takes Nathan into the living room where he lies him on a blanket before beginning to riffle through his CD collection. Settling on something from the 90s that definitely falls under the ‘short, fast, loud’ category, he slides the disc into the stereo and hits play.Quickly checking that the music isn’t bothering Nathan, he crosses to the computer desk and powers up his mac. The baby kicks at the air, sucking his hands happily.Elijah connects to the internet and browses a few bookmarked sites, but finds that he is absorbing little. He has to read each sentence twice as Sean’s voice invades his brain:‘How about I take you to dinner?’Jesus. And:‘Let me touch you.’Fuck.He dives into his overflowing inbox, managing to erringly reply to a couple of emails from friends wondering where he’s been all week. There are a pile of messages from his agent.He glances over a description of an offer with little interest: it’s similar to a role he played just last year.‘Let me touch you.’“Lij?”He turns. Sean is standing in the doorway behind him. He hits pause on the stereo remote and the room falls silent. “Yeah?”“I’m going to do some laundry. You want anything washed?”“Um. Yeah, there’s some dirty stuff in my bedroom,” he says of the thigh-high pile currently teetering in the corner. He starts to rise. Sean holds up a hand.“I’ll get it.”Elijah nods, battling with equal discomfort and a strange thrill at the idea of Sean handling his dirty underwear. His thoughts drift irresistibly back to their maybe-date of this evening. He wonders where they are going, but dares not ask for fear of looking too eager.Sean heads for his bedroom and Elijah’s eyes drop to Nathan. He’s lying still now, gnawing on his fingers.“You’ll bite them off one day,” Elijah tells him. “When you’ve got teeth.” He turns back to the computer and hits play on the stereo remote once more.Out the corner of his eye, he notices Nathan kicking at the air again.Curious, Elijah hits pause. The music stops, and the baby falls still.He presses play again and Nathan resumes kicking.“Oh my god,” Elijah laughs. He hits pause. “Sean!” he calls. “Come look at this!”Sean returns to the room with a basket of laundry balanced on his hip.“Watch!” Elijah starts the stereo again, seeing Sean’s involuntary flinch at the music choice until Elijah points at Nathan, kicking happily.He stops the music and Nathan stops. He starts it again and so does the baby, pedalling the air.Sean laughs. “Definitely his father’s son.”Elijah can’t help but beam.“You’ve got a musician in the works here.”“Or maybe a dancer.”“Happy Feet?” Sean smirks.Elijah rolls his eyes. “Oh, ha ha.”“Come on, admit; that was a good one.”“Alright, alright,” Elijah allows with a laugh, not because it was, but because it made Sean smile like that.Nathan soon grows weary of his ‘dancing’, and when he starts to fret Elijah picks him up and cradles him on his lap, attempting to type a reply to one of his agent’s messages around him. Sean has returned to his laundry and Nathan refuses to sit still, squirming and wailing until Elijah sighs and gives up on the email.“Okay, okay baby. I know you’re tired.” He stands, and cuddling Nathan he crosses to the stereo. He changes the CD for a slow, melodic jazz compilation. Turning the volume down low, he lies Nathan back in his arms and begins to gently rock him.The music washes over them as Elijah revolves slowly on the spot, smiling down at the blue eyes blinking sleepily in his arms.The baby yawns and Elijah feels his heart warm. But at the same time he can’t help thinking that once Nathan is asleep, it will be just he and Sean.He looks up, and as though summoned by his thought there is Sean, standing in the doorway and watching them. He has lost the laundry basket and his hands are hanging uneasily at his sides.Elijah cannot read the expression on his face.He continues slowly swaying on the spot, watching Sean watching him. Their eyes meet, and Elijah feels the air being sucked out of the room.Finally, Sean gestures to Nathan and mouths silently: “I’ll put him to bed.”Elijah looks down to find the baby fast asleep in his arms.He nods. Sean steps forward, raising his hands to slide about the baby’s middle.Elijah doesn’t mean to gasp when their faces come close. He doesn’t mean to, but Sean abruptly stops when he does.Standing inches apart, Elijah can feel Sean’s breath; a long exhale through his nose that slides right over his cheek. This close, Sean’s eyes are a jigsaw of colour, neither green or brown.Elijah realises that he has not stopped rocking from foot to foot, and Sean is moving slowly with him, swaying to the music.Dancing.The saxophone soloist fills the air with soulful vibrations. Let me touch you. Let me touch you. It echoes about Elijah’s head. And oh, he wishes Sean would touch him now. Give him some sign before he lets himself get carried away.Sean’s faintly stubbled upper lip trembles. He does not move back.Elijah jumps when he feels a hand slide about his waist. Still swaying gently, Sean draws him closer and with a great sigh he rests his head upon Elijah’s shoulder.Elijah can taste his own pulse, racing in his throat. What does this mean? What does it mean? He wants nothing more than to put an arm around Sean, but holding Nathan he has both hands occupied.The baby sleeps on between them, obscenely peaceful while Elijah’s mind is in turmoil. He can feel Sean’s breath on his collarbone through his t-shirt, the warm palm pressing firmly in the small of his back.Jesus. What does he do? What does he say? He can’t just out and ask Sean if this means what he hopes it means. He can’t go: ‘uh, Sean, did you lie to me yesterday about not wanting me? Because the messages you’re giving me now are kind of, you know. Mixed.’Coming to his bed last night. The date. And now this.Inhaling, Elijah can smell Sean’s hair; warm and still slightly damp from the shower. His whole body tingles with acute awareness of Sean, so close but not close enough. And no way of knowing what it means.Elijah draws a shaky breath. “Sean,” he blurts at the same time that Sean says:“Elijah.”They pause. Then Sean chuckles softly into his shoulder. Lifting his head, he smiles at Elijah, who can’t help but echo him.“Sean,” he breathes again. “What are we doing?”Sean glances down at Nathan in Elijah’s arms. His hand rubs up and down the small of his back for a moment before he answers: “I dunno.”Mixed. Fucking. Messages.Sean meets his eyes, and it occurs to Elijah that he is afraid. The smallest of tremors can be felt through the hand against his back, and his pupils are huge with apprehension.What does Sean have to fear from him?“You lied.” Elijah whispers the words just as the enormity of their meaning hits him.A fleeting look of panic crosses Sean’s face. “You did hear.”Elijah shakes his head, puzzled.“I told you last night. I thought you were asleep.” His voice is tight and his hand has left Elijah’s back, half a step from fleeing.“Oh.” Elijah can’t breathe. Air is entering and leaving his lungs, but this is nothing like breathing.It’s true.His arms are beginning to ache from holding Nathan in one position for so long. But he cannot look away from Sean now.Sean’s mouth is open. He’s staring at Elijah, apparently unable to speak. It only takes a second for Elijah to lean forward and close their lips together.Soft skin, parted by a moist, surprised breath. Sean’s mouth tastes of pancakes, but he does not kiss him back. Elijah stiffens, a chill of panic enveloping him. But as he quickly begins to draw away from his unresponsive lips, fingers snag in the hair at the back of his head and Sean pulls him in with a gasp that swallows him whole.Suddenly alive, Sean’s lips pluck at his own, drinking him. Elijah sucks in a breath turned to water, kissing Sean and drowning in it.Oh god. Oh fuck. Kissing Sean.Hands cup his cheeks and Sean’s tongue flicks at the space between his parted lips, tasting his entrance. Elijah whimpers, trying to press forward into it, his tongue darting deep to capture Sean’s.Sean gives a soft chuckle. And as lips briefly part, he utters one word that sets Elijah’s bones on fire.“Elijah.”In again, deeper. Elijah kisses the inside of Sean’s mouth, exploring as thoroughly as he is able. His pulse is roaring so loudly in his ears that he almost doesn’t hear the low whine from the baby in his arms.Elijah steps back at the same moment Sean does, and they both look down at Nathan. A tiny fist scrubs at his face, but he remains asleep.Elijah lets out a breath and meets Sean’s eye. His cheeks are red, his lips redder. Elijah’s brain is on fast-forward.Oh shit I kissed him he kissed me back he said he lied oh god mom was right she was right she-- what now? What now whatnow whatnowwhatnowSean licks his lips. “Put him to bed.” His voice is a low husk that sends a thrill sliding down Elijah’s spine and into his groin.He cannot speak. Swallowing a breath of anticipation, Elijah quickly darts around Sean, carrying Nathan to his bedroom. The baby fusses as he lowers him into the crib, and Elijah is sure for one panicked moment that he’s about to wake up. When he doesn’t, Elijah lets out a sigh of relief and covers the tiny form with his blankets.When he returns to the living room, he finds Sean standing exactly where he was when he left. He looks up at Elijah, his hands clenching and unclenching nervously at his sides. Elijah wants to launch himself across the room and into his arms.He takes a step closer. Sean’s look is suddenly hungry. He opens his mouth, but whatever he is about to say is interrupted by the shrill sound of his cellphone ringing.Sean frowns, for a moment looking as though determined to ignore it. But the insistent ringtone continues, and with a sigh he digs a hand into his pocket for the cell.Elijah deflates as Sean opens it, answering almost impatiently: “Yes? Oh, Christine. Hi.”Christine. Elijah feels his cheeks heat as his stomach drops to the floor. Christine: the last person in the world he would have chosen to interrupt… whatever had been about to happen.The thought is halted as he hears Sean’s voice raise: “What is it? Is she okay?”Concerned, Elijah moves closer to him.“Which hospital? …. Okay….. Okay….. I’ll be right there.” He hangs up.“What’s wrong?” Elijah gasps quickly. “One of the girls?”“No,” Sean sighs as he returns the phone to his pocket. “Christine’s mother. She’s having trouble breathing and they took her to hospital. The doctor thinks it’s just bronchitis, but at her age it can be quite serious.” He looks up at Elijah apologetically. “Chris is waiting at the hospital with the girls, and she wants me to pick them up.”“Oh.” Elijah tries not to feel disappointed. Sean’s children need him.“Will you be okay with Nathan? I have no idea how long I’ll be.”“Sure. We’ll be fine.”“Okay.”Elijah watches while Sean moves about the apartment, collecting his shoes, wallet and keys. His lips prickle with the memory of the kiss, and the need for more. How will Sean feel about what happened once he has seen his wife and kids again? Maybe he regrets it already. Elijah hugs himself, feeling empty.Sean lingers at the doorway when he is ready to leave. “I’ll be back later, I hope. I’ll call if it’s too late to get back here tonight.”Elijah nods, trying to look concerned and not miserable. What should he do? Tell him to take his time? Hurry back? Slide a hand down the front of Sean’s jeans and breathe in his ear that there’s plenty more where that came from?Sean touches his face. “We’ll talk when I get back, okay?”His pulse flares in his ears. He has no idea if this is a good sign or a bad one. He covers Sean’s fingers with his own on his cheek. Sean gives him a soft smile, twists his hand to squeeze Elijah’s and gently releases it.“See you soon.” He turns and lets himself out of the apartment.Elijah sighs. Dragging heavy feet he crosses the living room and collapses onto the couch. The taste of Sean lingers on his lips.

Fic: Nathan, chapter 10/?

Title: Nathan, 10/probably 12.Rating: (this part) GPairing: Sean/ElijahSummary: Elijah needs Sean’s help.Prologue || One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || NineChapter TenSean parks Elijah’s car in the garage and turns the key, engine shuddering to a halt. A strange silence seems to have congealed in the space between himself and the passenger seat where Elijah sits, twisting his hands in his lap.Sean almost wishes that Hannah had not elected to stay behind with her mother when they left. She, at least, would be able to strike up some form of conversation.He cannot even begin to address all that has happened today. He tries not to remember Debbie Wood, watching them leave from the front porch, a pained expression on her face as she clung to Hannah beside her. How must she be feeling now, having met her only grandchild and been told that she will never be a part of his life…Sean covers a sigh as Elijah peers over his shoulder into the back seat and mouths: “He’s asleep.”Sean glances in the rear-view mirror to see Nathan snoozing in the carseat, his head drooping onto his shoulder.“It’s been a big day for him,” he murmurs, including himself in the statement. This whole week has been a series of eventful days. And with each that passes he is burrowing himself deeper into the life of the one person he should be distancing himself from. Innocently, Elijah draws him in, needing his friendship and unaware that Sean needs so much more.Has he no shame? Has he already forgotten his wife and daughters? Christine had seen it. She knew that her place in Sean’s heart has been irrevocably filled, whether he wished it so or not. Even Debbie had said…No. She had been wrong. Her impressions of her son’s relationship with Sean had been inaccurate to the point of hilarity --Elijah had made that much clear. But Sean can not deny the tingle of hope he had felt when Debbie admitted what she thought.The tingle that had been quickly squashed by Elijah’s outrage, stamped into the dust by his repeated denial and set to boil, causing Sean to overreact, which in turn caused Elijah to ask that one heart-stopping question--Do you want me to be interested?Shit.Beside him, Elijah unbuckles his seatbelt and begins to climb from the car, saying: “Can you carry him up? I don’t want to wake him.”“Sure.” Sean pushes his worry aside and follows him out. With all the skill of many years practice he prises Nathan --still sleeping-- from the carseat and gathers him into his arms. Taking the stairs again in the hopes of avoiding people, he carries Nathan into the apartment with Elijah padding along behind them.Laying the baby down in the crib his daughters used to sleep in, Sean emerges from the bedroom to find Elijah preparing a bottle in the kitchen.“He won’t sleep long,” he says. “It’s almost feed time.”Sean nods in agreement, noticing that Elijah doesn’t seem to want to look him in the eye. He hasn’t forgotten their aborted conversation outside the lobby, then. Sean sucks in a breath, feeling that one unanswered question hanging over their heads, dangerous and infused with poison.The return to all that had been left unsaid outside is inevitable. Yet Sean tries his best at an escape. “I’m just going to go and--” he gestures vaguely over his shoulder, turning. But one word halts his progress:“Sean.”Fear swelling in his chest, he closes his eyes. “Yeah?”Behind him, there is a soft clang as Elijah closes the microwave door, the beep of the timer and a hum as the device starts up, heating Nathan’s bottle.“You wanna tell me what that was about earlier?” Elijah’s voice is barely louder than the microwave.“What what was about?”“Sean.”He exhales, rubbing a knot between his brows. No escape. “I said it was nothing.”“Didn’t seem like nothing.”Sean turns, catching Elijah’s scrutinising gaze as he stands beside the microwave, arms crossed on his chest. “It was nothing.”Elijah’s arms tighten, brow furrowing as he stares determinedly at Sean. “It was something.”“No, it wasn’t, Elijah. Can you just let it go? Please?”Those captivating blue eyes blink at him and slowly, the stubborn son-of-a-bitch shakes his head. “No.”Exasperated, Sean throws his hands in the air and stalks out of the kitchen. He gets as far as the centre of the living room before Elijah zips in front of him, blocking his path. “We should talk about this, Sean.”“There’s nothing to talk about!” Sean insists. “I overreacted, that’s all.”“Really?” One eyebrow lifts in scepticism.“Yes. Really. Look, Elijah,” he decides to play the sympathy card, “Christine told me two days ago that we need time apart. She may be leaving me altogether. So I’m sorry if I’m oversensitive at the moment, but it can’t be helped.”Elijah’s bottom lip slides between his teeth and he clamps it hard. The sympathy card has worked, though it causes Sean a stab of guilt as he sees remorse flood over his friend’s fair face.“Okay,” Elijah sighs. “Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push.”Sean lets out a breath of relief. “It’s alright.”Elijah turns as though about to leave, hesitates and looks back at him. “Just tell me one thing, Sean.”“What?”“Were you upset because you… you want it to be true?”Sean’s heart gives a hard thump. His mouth drops open, quivering in wordless terror. “Is that how you want it to be, Sean? The way my mom said?” Elijah’s face is inscrutable, arms crossed on his chest once more. Only the slightest tremor in his voice says that he is afraid to hear Sean’s response.Afraid that he will say yes?Or no?“Elijah,” Sean groans, rubbing his face with his hand.“Just tell me, Sean. Please.”Sean looks at him. He can’t want him to say yes. Can’t possibly want… Elijah’s bottom lip finds its way between his teeth again and Sean squashes an impulse to step forward and gently rescue it.Elijah needs him to say no. He needs Sean to relieve him of the fear that his friend is harbouring secret desires that will break them apart. Sean will not take the risk of telling him otherwise. There is only one possible response.“No,” he says, fighting to keep a quaver from his voice. “That isn’t what I want.”The sigh of relief Sean had been expecting doesn’t come. Elijah merely continues to gaze at him before he finally drops his eyes, nodding mutely.Sean has no idea how to interpret that. There is a loud, confused buzzing in his ears, over which he gradually realises he can hear Nathan crying from the bedroom.“Um. He’s awake,” he says with a croak. “Want me to--”“No, I’ll get him,” Elijah says without looking at him. He turns and wordlessly makes for the bedroom where his baby lies, leaving Sean to stare after him, feeling utterly useless and bewildered.*Elijah is painfully polite to him for the rest of the day. The third time he thanks him for changing Nathan’s diaper, Sean feels like taking him be the shoulders and demanding to know what is wrong.Not that he has any proof that anything is wrong. Elijah is his usual cheerful self, dealing with Nathan’s routine needs with ease. Yet Sean can’t help the feeling that it is all forced. All for show.But damned if he can’t figure out whether it’s himself or Nathan or his mom or the whole convoluted mess of a confusing situation Elijah’s in that is worrying him.And Sean doesn’t know if he can ask.The three of them sit down to a late dinner at the kitchen table, Sean scooping his pasta with his fork as he feeds Nathan one-handed on his lap. His job is not helped when Elijah starts making faces at the baby from across the table.“You’re distracting him,” Sean says as Nathan breaks into a grin at Elijah’s antics, spilling milk over his chin.“He likes it,” Elijah laughs as Sean tries to adjust Nathan’s position so he can’t see Elijah, only to have the baby crane his neck over his arm for a better view.Elijah covers his eyes with his fingers, then pulls his hands away quickly and cries: “Boo!”Nathan jumps and the bottle’s teat falls out of his mouth. He smiles. Elijah grins and covers his eyes again. This time when Elijah says boo, the baby lets out a shrill, high-pitched giggle.“Oh my god!” Elijah cries, “He laughed. Did you hear that? He laughed! He’s never done that before, has he?”“No, I don’t think he has,” Sean grins, now sitting the baby up so he can see Elijah better. “Do it again.”Elijah does and Nathan giggles once more, waving his arms in excitement. “Oh, shit Sean. He’s laughing!”Elijah jumps from his seat and is soon dancing about in front of Nathan, trying to get him to laugh again. Sean chuckles along with the baby, mostly at Elijah’s animated enthusiasm.Perhaps everything is okay after all.*Sean opens his eyes in the middle of the night, unsure of what woke him. He slides the blanket from his head and lifts his face from the pillow, highly-trained parental ears straining for any sound in the darkness.Several moments pass and he’s about to decide it had only been a dream when he hears it: a soft gulping sound like a sob coming from the other end of the apartment.Sean does not hesitate. As silently as possible he peels the covers back and shuffles upright. Padding quickly around the corner of the sofabed he steps into the hall. Elijah’s bedroom door is open and a slice of streetlight shining through the window paints the floor before his feet. Sean steps into the doorframe to see Elijah lying on top of the coverlet with his face pressed into his pillow. There is no sound; only the slow shuddering of his shoulders tells that he is weeping.Sean glances at the crib to ensure that Nathan is sleeping peacefully. Then he whispers, “Elijah.”He jumps and falls still. He doesn’t lift his head from the pillow, but Sean can hear him gulping to regain control. Sean’s heart aches. Seeing Elijah in misery hurts. It hurts ferociously, because Sean doesn’t know how to soothe it.He steps forward, sinking onto the edge of the bed. Elijah keeps his face firmly in the pillow, sniffing now and again in the silence. Sean puts out a hand and gently strokes his back, pyjamas slightly damp between sharp shoulder blades.“Sean,” comes a muffled groan from the pillow, “don’t.”Injured, Sean removes his hand. “What’s wrong, Elijah?” he asks mournfully.His only response is to burrow deeper into his pillow. His entire body is tense in the faint light from the window and Sean burns with the need to comfort him. Elijah has never refused his touch before. Never. He is known for actively seeking it out, even after long hours of shooting, after one too many beers, after heartbreak, after and before and during the happy times and the sad times. Sean was the one he called for comfort when Nathan showed up.Why then would he refuse his touch now? Unless Sean has done something wrong. He clenches his hands together in his lap to keep from touching Elijah, panic beginning to rise. Has Elijah realised that he was lying earlier? Does Sean repulse him now?Or does he believe Sean told the truth, and his touch only brings him pain?Heart thundering, Sean turns this prospect over in his head. No. It can’t be so. Elijah has a lot going on in his life at the moment. He can’t possibly be crying for… Sean.“Elijah,” he breathes. “Do you want to talk?” He shakes his head into his pillow. “Just go to bed, Sean.”“I can’t leave you like this.”Elijah sniffs and whispers, “please.”Sean knows he should respect Elijah’s wishes. He should return to the sofabed in the living room and ignore his friend’s tears. He has never before been faced with having to leave Elijah in a moment of need, and he finds that he cannot do it. Instead, Sean twists to lie beside him, shuffling until Elijah rolls over enough to give him room. The move has lifted Elijah’s face from his pillow, and Sean catches a breath in his chest to see the puffy red eyes and bitten lips. His cheeks are damp with tears and the streetlight shows dark patches of wetness on the pillow.Sean’s hands ache to comfort him.“Let me touch you.”The swollen lips fall open. “What?”“Let me touch you,” Sean croaks. “Let me. Let me…” Lifting his arm, Sean reverently cups his palm about Elijah’s cheek. Dewy eyelashes flutter closed as a gasp-whisper-sigh escapes his throat. Sean threads his fingers into downy-soft hair, thumbing away the trail of Elijah’s tears.“Sean--”“Let me.”Still without knowing if he is acting aright, Sean pets his way down Elijah’s neck to his shoulder, strokes his upper arm and slides his hand about his ribs. He traces his fingers up and down his spine in slow, calming motions like he would with one of his daughters after a nightmare.He looks up to find Elijah staring at him, his eyes huge pools of black ambiguity in the darkness. “Sean,” he begins again.“Shhh,” he whispers. “Shhh.” He continues to stroke his back and Elijah does not prevent him, allowing Sean to repeat the same fluid motions for long minutes until his eyes begin to droop with sleep.Perhaps an hour has passed. Maybe more. Sean’s arm is stating to grow heavy with exhaustion, but he continues to caress Elijah’s back as his breathing evens and he seems to melt further into the mattress as his body relaxes.Then Elijah’s hand begins to curl up, slowly sliding towards Sean’s face. Sean holds his breath as warm fingers touch his chin, ghosting over his jaw and coming to rest at the junction of ear and neck.Sean closes his eyes, inhaling deeply as he absorbs the gentle weight of Elijah’s motionless hand. Afraid to break the spell, he does not move for a long time.Finally, he cannot stand it any longer and he whispers: “I lied.”He opens his eyes, only to find Elijah’s are closed. Soft, shallow breaths flutter onto his face and Sean does not know whether his confession was heard, or if it has been lost, irretrievable in the realm of sleep.*Continue to chapter eleven