Fic: Nathan, chapter 10/?

Title: Nathan, 10/probably 12.Rating: (this part) GPairing: Sean/ElijahSummary: Elijah needs Sean’s help.Prologue || One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || NineChapter TenSean parks Elijah’s car in the garage and turns the key, engine shuddering to a halt. A strange silence seems to have congealed in the space between himself and the passenger seat where Elijah sits, twisting his hands in his lap.Sean almost wishes that Hannah had not elected to stay behind with her mother when they left. She, at least, would be able to strike up some form of conversation.He cannot even begin to address all that has happened today. He tries not to remember Debbie Wood, watching them leave from the front porch, a pained expression on her face as she clung to Hannah beside her. How must she be feeling now, having met her only grandchild and been told that she will never be a part of his life…Sean covers a sigh as Elijah peers over his shoulder into the back seat and mouths: “He’s asleep.”Sean glances in the rear-view mirror to see Nathan snoozing in the carseat, his head drooping onto his shoulder.“It’s been a big day for him,” he murmurs, including himself in the statement. This whole week has been a series of eventful days. And with each that passes he is burrowing himself deeper into the life of the one person he should be distancing himself from. Innocently, Elijah draws him in, needing his friendship and unaware that Sean needs so much more.Has he no shame? Has he already forgotten his wife and daughters? Christine had seen it. She knew that her place in Sean’s heart has been irrevocably filled, whether he wished it so or not. Even Debbie had said…No. She had been wrong. Her impressions of her son’s relationship with Sean had been inaccurate to the point of hilarity --Elijah had made that much clear. But Sean can not deny the tingle of hope he had felt when Debbie admitted what she thought.The tingle that had been quickly squashed by Elijah’s outrage, stamped into the dust by his repeated denial and set to boil, causing Sean to overreact, which in turn caused Elijah to ask that one heart-stopping question--Do you want me to be interested?Shit.Beside him, Elijah unbuckles his seatbelt and begins to climb from the car, saying: “Can you carry him up? I don’t want to wake him.”“Sure.” Sean pushes his worry aside and follows him out. With all the skill of many years practice he prises Nathan --still sleeping-- from the carseat and gathers him into his arms. Taking the stairs again in the hopes of avoiding people, he carries Nathan into the apartment with Elijah padding along behind them.Laying the baby down in the crib his daughters used to sleep in, Sean emerges from the bedroom to find Elijah preparing a bottle in the kitchen.“He won’t sleep long,” he says. “It’s almost feed time.”Sean nods in agreement, noticing that Elijah doesn’t seem to want to look him in the eye. He hasn’t forgotten their aborted conversation outside the lobby, then. Sean sucks in a breath, feeling that one unanswered question hanging over their heads, dangerous and infused with poison.The return to all that had been left unsaid outside is inevitable. Yet Sean tries his best at an escape. “I’m just going to go and--” he gestures vaguely over his shoulder, turning. But one word halts his progress:“Sean.”Fear swelling in his chest, he closes his eyes. “Yeah?”Behind him, there is a soft clang as Elijah closes the microwave door, the beep of the timer and a hum as the device starts up, heating Nathan’s bottle.“You wanna tell me what that was about earlier?” Elijah’s voice is barely louder than the microwave.“What what was about?”“Sean.”He exhales, rubbing a knot between his brows. No escape. “I said it was nothing.”“Didn’t seem like nothing.”Sean turns, catching Elijah’s scrutinising gaze as he stands beside the microwave, arms crossed on his chest. “It was nothing.”Elijah’s arms tighten, brow furrowing as he stares determinedly at Sean. “It was something.”“No, it wasn’t, Elijah. Can you just let it go? Please?”Those captivating blue eyes blink at him and slowly, the stubborn son-of-a-bitch shakes his head. “No.”Exasperated, Sean throws his hands in the air and stalks out of the kitchen. He gets as far as the centre of the living room before Elijah zips in front of him, blocking his path. “We should talk about this, Sean.”“There’s nothing to talk about!” Sean insists. “I overreacted, that’s all.”“Really?” One eyebrow lifts in scepticism.“Yes. Really. Look, Elijah,” he decides to play the sympathy card, “Christine told me two days ago that we need time apart. She may be leaving me altogether. So I’m sorry if I’m oversensitive at the moment, but it can’t be helped.”Elijah’s bottom lip slides between his teeth and he clamps it hard. The sympathy card has worked, though it causes Sean a stab of guilt as he sees remorse flood over his friend’s fair face.“Okay,” Elijah sighs. “Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push.”Sean lets out a breath of relief. “It’s alright.”Elijah turns as though about to leave, hesitates and looks back at him. “Just tell me one thing, Sean.”“What?”“Were you upset because you… you want it to be true?”Sean’s heart gives a hard thump. His mouth drops open, quivering in wordless terror. “Is that how you want it to be, Sean? The way my mom said?” Elijah’s face is inscrutable, arms crossed on his chest once more. Only the slightest tremor in his voice says that he is afraid to hear Sean’s response.Afraid that he will say yes?Or no?“Elijah,” Sean groans, rubbing his face with his hand.“Just tell me, Sean. Please.”Sean looks at him. He can’t want him to say yes. Can’t possibly want… Elijah’s bottom lip finds its way between his teeth again and Sean squashes an impulse to step forward and gently rescue it.Elijah needs him to say no. He needs Sean to relieve him of the fear that his friend is harbouring secret desires that will break them apart. Sean will not take the risk of telling him otherwise. There is only one possible response.“No,” he says, fighting to keep a quaver from his voice. “That isn’t what I want.”The sigh of relief Sean had been expecting doesn’t come. Elijah merely continues to gaze at him before he finally drops his eyes, nodding mutely.Sean has no idea how to interpret that. There is a loud, confused buzzing in his ears, over which he gradually realises he can hear Nathan crying from the bedroom.“Um. He’s awake,” he says with a croak. “Want me to--”“No, I’ll get him,” Elijah says without looking at him. He turns and wordlessly makes for the bedroom where his baby lies, leaving Sean to stare after him, feeling utterly useless and bewildered.*Elijah is painfully polite to him for the rest of the day. The third time he thanks him for changing Nathan’s diaper, Sean feels like taking him be the shoulders and demanding to know what is wrong.Not that he has any proof that anything is wrong. Elijah is his usual cheerful self, dealing with Nathan’s routine needs with ease. Yet Sean can’t help the feeling that it is all forced. All for show.But damned if he can’t figure out whether it’s himself or Nathan or his mom or the whole convoluted mess of a confusing situation Elijah’s in that is worrying him.And Sean doesn’t know if he can ask.The three of them sit down to a late dinner at the kitchen table, Sean scooping his pasta with his fork as he feeds Nathan one-handed on his lap. His job is not helped when Elijah starts making faces at the baby from across the table.“You’re distracting him,” Sean says as Nathan breaks into a grin at Elijah’s antics, spilling milk over his chin.“He likes it,” Elijah laughs as Sean tries to adjust Nathan’s position so he can’t see Elijah, only to have the baby crane his neck over his arm for a better view.Elijah covers his eyes with his fingers, then pulls his hands away quickly and cries: “Boo!”Nathan jumps and the bottle’s teat falls out of his mouth. He smiles. Elijah grins and covers his eyes again. This time when Elijah says boo, the baby lets out a shrill, high-pitched giggle.“Oh my god!” Elijah cries, “He laughed. Did you hear that? He laughed! He’s never done that before, has he?”“No, I don’t think he has,” Sean grins, now sitting the baby up so he can see Elijah better. “Do it again.”Elijah does and Nathan giggles once more, waving his arms in excitement. “Oh, shit Sean. He’s laughing!”Elijah jumps from his seat and is soon dancing about in front of Nathan, trying to get him to laugh again. Sean chuckles along with the baby, mostly at Elijah’s animated enthusiasm.Perhaps everything is okay after all.*Sean opens his eyes in the middle of the night, unsure of what woke him. He slides the blanket from his head and lifts his face from the pillow, highly-trained parental ears straining for any sound in the darkness.Several moments pass and he’s about to decide it had only been a dream when he hears it: a soft gulping sound like a sob coming from the other end of the apartment.Sean does not hesitate. As silently as possible he peels the covers back and shuffles upright. Padding quickly around the corner of the sofabed he steps into the hall. Elijah’s bedroom door is open and a slice of streetlight shining through the window paints the floor before his feet. Sean steps into the doorframe to see Elijah lying on top of the coverlet with his face pressed into his pillow. There is no sound; only the slow shuddering of his shoulders tells that he is weeping.Sean glances at the crib to ensure that Nathan is sleeping peacefully. Then he whispers, “Elijah.”He jumps and falls still. He doesn’t lift his head from the pillow, but Sean can hear him gulping to regain control. Sean’s heart aches. Seeing Elijah in misery hurts. It hurts ferociously, because Sean doesn’t know how to soothe it.He steps forward, sinking onto the edge of the bed. Elijah keeps his face firmly in the pillow, sniffing now and again in the silence. Sean puts out a hand and gently strokes his back, pyjamas slightly damp between sharp shoulder blades.“Sean,” comes a muffled groan from the pillow, “don’t.”Injured, Sean removes his hand. “What’s wrong, Elijah?” he asks mournfully.His only response is to burrow deeper into his pillow. His entire body is tense in the faint light from the window and Sean burns with the need to comfort him. Elijah has never refused his touch before. Never. He is known for actively seeking it out, even after long hours of shooting, after one too many beers, after heartbreak, after and before and during the happy times and the sad times. Sean was the one he called for comfort when Nathan showed up.Why then would he refuse his touch now? Unless Sean has done something wrong. He clenches his hands together in his lap to keep from touching Elijah, panic beginning to rise. Has Elijah realised that he was lying earlier? Does Sean repulse him now?Or does he believe Sean told the truth, and his touch only brings him pain?Heart thundering, Sean turns this prospect over in his head. No. It can’t be so. Elijah has a lot going on in his life at the moment. He can’t possibly be crying for… Sean.“Elijah,” he breathes. “Do you want to talk?” He shakes his head into his pillow. “Just go to bed, Sean.”“I can’t leave you like this.”Elijah sniffs and whispers, “please.”Sean knows he should respect Elijah’s wishes. He should return to the sofabed in the living room and ignore his friend’s tears. He has never before been faced with having to leave Elijah in a moment of need, and he finds that he cannot do it. Instead, Sean twists to lie beside him, shuffling until Elijah rolls over enough to give him room. The move has lifted Elijah’s face from his pillow, and Sean catches a breath in his chest to see the puffy red eyes and bitten lips. His cheeks are damp with tears and the streetlight shows dark patches of wetness on the pillow.Sean’s hands ache to comfort him.“Let me touch you.”The swollen lips fall open. “What?”“Let me touch you,” Sean croaks. “Let me. Let me…” Lifting his arm, Sean reverently cups his palm about Elijah’s cheek. Dewy eyelashes flutter closed as a gasp-whisper-sigh escapes his throat. Sean threads his fingers into downy-soft hair, thumbing away the trail of Elijah’s tears.“Sean--”“Let me.”Still without knowing if he is acting aright, Sean pets his way down Elijah’s neck to his shoulder, strokes his upper arm and slides his hand about his ribs. He traces his fingers up and down his spine in slow, calming motions like he would with one of his daughters after a nightmare.He looks up to find Elijah staring at him, his eyes huge pools of black ambiguity in the darkness. “Sean,” he begins again.“Shhh,” he whispers. “Shhh.” He continues to stroke his back and Elijah does not prevent him, allowing Sean to repeat the same fluid motions for long minutes until his eyes begin to droop with sleep.Perhaps an hour has passed. Maybe more. Sean’s arm is stating to grow heavy with exhaustion, but he continues to caress Elijah’s back as his breathing evens and he seems to melt further into the mattress as his body relaxes.Then Elijah’s hand begins to curl up, slowly sliding towards Sean’s face. Sean holds his breath as warm fingers touch his chin, ghosting over his jaw and coming to rest at the junction of ear and neck.Sean closes his eyes, inhaling deeply as he absorbs the gentle weight of Elijah’s motionless hand. Afraid to break the spell, he does not move for a long time.Finally, he cannot stand it any longer and he whispers: “I lied.”He opens his eyes, only to find Elijah’s are closed. Soft, shallow breaths flutter onto his face and Sean does not know whether his confession was heard, or if it has been lost, irretrievable in the realm of sleep.*Continue to chapter eleven